Saturday, July 7, 2012

Class Reunion

I just got back from my 20 year reunion.  As I was mingling and awkwardly staring at everyone's chest, trying to read their name tag, I realized what everyone was doing.  They are measuring everyone up and playing a big game of "one up."

I started to think that there has to be a better way of determining who wins the reunion.  Obviously, if you went to high school with LeBron James, he wins the reunion every year.  He is clearly the most successful and can "one up" anyone there, but in the real world with a room full of nobodys WHO WINS?  How do you keep score?      I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

Here is how it works.

1.  You get a series of points based on your life, your job, where you were and where you are.
2.  Remember, most people remember you from 20 years ago, so the bar is only as high as your last meeting.  If you haven't seen anyone since high school, you compare yourself to high school.  If you saw these folks at your 10 year, then that becomes your baseline...get it?
3.  You are measured against societal norms.  Sorry for all of you who are a little different.  You separated yourself from us now be prepared to be judged!  This isn't a right vs. wrong thing, it is just how everyone thinks.  For example, if you graduated with a normal head of hair and you show up at the reunion with a green mohawk, you're going to be judged against the societal norm and your baseline of normal hair...get it?
4.  The higher your number the worse it is.  You want to stay close to zero or negative numbers.
5.  This is highly subjective and I am the law.  There is room for discussion, but I don't update this thing often enough for you to get any sort of change authorized.  Therefore, this scoring system is the law!

Scoring rules:

Rule #1 Who got fat?  You get 1 point for every percent of body weight you gained.  If you were 100 lbs. in high school and you are now 200 lbs. you get 100 points for a 100% increase in weight.  This is pretty self explanatory.  People were used to you being thin and now you are not.  The shock factor can be high and folks will talk about you!

Rule #2  Where do you work?  NOBODY CARES.  Everyone lies about their job anyway.  We aren't smart enough to know that the TPS reports that you create on a daily basis are important or not.  Unless your job is obviously high or low, no points awarded.  This is where LeBron would get all of his points.  Actors, singers, professional athletes, etc. can score big here.  You and I get zilch.

Rule #3  Marriage.

  • never married 1 point per reunion after 5 year reunion. (15 points for the class of 1992)
  • One spouse, still married (-10) points
  • One spouse, divorced 10 points
  • One divorce, currently married 8 points
  • Two divorces 25 points
  • Three divorces 50 points
  • 4+ divorces - Just give yourself a big score.
Rule #4 Kids
  • Zero kids/single 0 points.  
  • Zero kids/married 1 point per year married.  Folks expect you to have kids.
  • 1 kid-married (-10 points) 1 kid-single/divorced (-5 points)
  • 2 kids-married (-20 points) 2 kids-single/divorced (-10 points) you get -5 points if you have one boy and one girl, since that is what everyone really wants.
  • 3 kids-married (-17 points) 3 kids-single/divorced (-7 points).  That's right, you're overpopulating the Earth so your bonus is sinking. +3 points if you have three girls.  Sorry, Darrell, Bryan and Buddy.
  • Each kid over 3, just add 5 points/kid to the 3 kid schedule.  I can make allowances for twins...especially the cool kind that look alike!

Rule #5 General
  • Gay = 50 points, unless you were gay in High School.  Folks don't like surprises and they will judge you.  If you were always very effeminate as a guy and it really surprises nobody, this can be greatly reduced.  If you are a guy and wore a dress in high school but denied being gay, you could actually lose points on this one because people will be glad that you quit fighting it.  The full 50 is for a total surprise announcement. 
  • Live in the same house your grew up in (with mom and/or dad) = 50 points.
  • Live in a cool exotic place = various.  I'll make judgments as I hear them.  You get big points if you live at the beach.
  • If you get waaay too drunk at the reunion and someone else has to guide you home = 20 points.  Seems harsh, but this is your one impression that will last until your next reunion.
  • Baldness (exception: if you have or have had Chemo, you can get a pass)
    • Guys - take your percentage of hair loss on top of your head and multiply by .25.  If you are 100% bald on top, you get 25 points. 
    • Girls - just give yourself a big score....sorry.

My score is 12.  I ain't ashamed of it!  This was meant to be fun.  If it made you mad, then you get a bunch of points for being an idiot.  This was meant to be a funny jab at societal judging.  If your number is less than 12, then you cheated and give yourself some points for being a cheater!  

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